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OSSM Underground
April 26, 2000
Volume II, Issue 7
45 days until Graduation

Inside this Issue

Passing the torch: the next generation of the oppressed.
Policies regarding prom clearly defined.

Upcoming Headlines (maybe)

Prom Dates May Be Terrorists Seeking Access to OSSM's Campus
New Sampson Science Building to be used in research of cloning Mayor Humphreys.

The Burning Question

So just who did run the OSSM Underground last year, and what possible cruel and bizarre punishments could result from their premature revelation?

Passing the Torch

by Mr. X, Publisher

The end of the school year is fast approaching. You can look on this issue and see the number of days that remain until Graduation. Oftentimes, I have been asked by many different people about the fate of the paper next year. Will it exist? Who will run it? What will become of it when my staff and I "go off to a better place"? Well, to address these issues both for my own assurance and that of the others who enjoy the paper, I have handed off responsibilities for the paper to the juniors a little early. My staff and I have appointed a new Editor-in-Chief, Xenon, and have assembled a new staff of junior staff members to carry on the tradition of the OSSM Underground next year and to pass it on for years to come. This issue that you hold in your hands was edited entirely by Xenon and prepared by the Volume III staff of the class of 2001. I hope that you will find it to your liking. Please send your comments regarding this issue or any suggestions as to how these juniors could improve their work to OSSMUnderground@hotmail.com or to MrX@ossmunderground.freeservers.com for my personal attention. And, as always, your submissions are always welcome. Read on, and remember: "You may not agree, but that's my opinion."

Out With the Old and in With the New

By Xenon, Editor-in-Chief

In a mere forty-five days, everyone will say their good-byes, and the Seniors will be released back into the wild after two years of captivity. It will all be over soon…so who is to take on the responsibility of ensuring that the Student Body's opinion is heard? Well, "us," of course.

What you have the pleasure of reading right now is the very first issue of the OSSM Underground published strictly by the CO2001 staff. We have put in a lot of effort in our "spare" time, if that is what you might call any amount of time not spent on study. We have sweat, cried tears, and shed blood in order to ensure that this publication will live on for as long as the students of the Oklahoma School of Science and Mathematics are subjected to the oppression and tyranny of the administration.

Although it may seem easy at first thought, publishing an award-winning newspaper such as the OSSM Underground is much more difficult than one would imagine. So, I would like to recognize the following for making this newspaper possible: the former staff, students, parents, contributors, faculty, the administration (what would there be to complain about without the admin?), our readers, and everyone else involved with the paper. The Junior staff looks forward to serving your Constitutional rights to the freedoms of speech, expression, and press.

Prom: The Truth is Out There (but where?...)

by Mr. Pink Panther

Prom. The very word brings many emotions to the mind of a high school junior or senior. The foremost of those, is, of course, absolute fear. Terror. Paralyzing tremors tend to strike those who contemplate the issue too long. In extreme cases, students who considered prom for more than the 6.2 spare moments allocated in their schedule for breathing have been known to produce passing grades on the most recent lit quiz.

In light of these startling facts, it is apparent that something must be done to halt these symptoms before they disrupt the peaceful, happy, communal, perpetually thirsty existence we all share. (Larger cups come to mind…) However, by virtue of being present since the heat death of this universe's grandparent, the administration has been able to arrive at the correct answer to this century-old riddle. Unfortunately, they won't share how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie-Roll Pop.

Despite what would seem a dreadful lack of reasoned logic, the administration has been able to, somehow, solve the problem of "prom-itis". By consulting their Ouiji board, I mean, Handbook, they have deduced that fear of having a date is most likely the cause of all these undignified smiles and well written, passing, gibberish. Therefore, it seems that the obvious course of action is to ban dates. Students will immediately drop any interest they still have in the opposite sex, and become monks in an obscure religion that worships stuffed frogs. Just like banning "the Hill" stopped horizontal motion. Right.

Of course, since this is now an official policy, that means that the students can _never, ever be told about it._ The plan would be perfect, except for that pesky problem that just won't seem to go away: the outside world. The strategy to deal with this is complex, so I will clarify with an example: Problem: The only remaining male spotted chimpanzee unicorn is discovered to live on the planned site of your new Sampson Science and Discovery Center. Solution: Launch thermonuclear bombs toward any small country whose name you can't pronounce. Hence, no outside date will be allowed to attend prom.

I hope I have clarified the current policy. If you still find yourself thinking about prom, and asking pointless questions such as "Why?", just remember: some people have difficulty pronouncing "Oklahoma."

A Grounbreaking Day For Some...

A Windbreaking Day for Others.

By Mr. Guffman and Xenon

During the whole thirty second advanced notice, students beamed with great anticipation for the groundbreaking ceremony of the new Simpsone Science building (excuse the spelling, programs weren't handed out to students.) Once the moment arrived, however, students' hopes were blown flat into the dirt, literally.

Those who have allergies cried, those supporting the tents ached, and many of the other students STOOD with the disgust of dirt on their tongues. Upon arrival of the dusty plot, students experienced their first shun by not receiving programs to the event. Later, students were strategically placed to serve as a makeshift wind blockade for the many contributors and noblemen. After spending nearly forty-five minutes in the harsh, Oklahoma climate, students were denied the right to cookies and punch after the ceremony. The order of Dr. Manning to return to foreign language has forever scarred the heart of the Student Body.

Overall, things went well. However, one can't help but recall that Mayor Kirk Humphreys received many welcomes, despite his absence; the word "oppressive" replaced "impressive" during speeches describing the school; the language teachers were left to mettle amongst themselves in the empty halls of Lincoln School; only a total of about one cup of dirt was extracted with the gold shovels; and the students, as normal, were treated like dirt stuck between the administrator's teeth.

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